Back into Black

On this my intermittent blog I stopped blogging on in 2012... I decided during a sleepless night I would start to write again. Fuck grammar, but not spelling, I'm going to diary about what I want and if you don't enjoy it, I direct you to the closest door to see your way home. If you do, expect lots of ellipses....and misplaced commas, sarcasm, occasional death wishes, my doggies, assorted chicanery, hooky pook, the saintly man who made off with my heart, a family feud or three, my long suffering friends who have been a reason for a season spending this lifetime, lists, Judaism, upswings and downturns, run on sentences, work rants, divorces, I like to lists...stories events of my humiliation, and triumphs spoilers with no alerts, and lastly my juggernaut bipolar life. I make no apologies.

I have made a few life choices, catlike leaps, style choices, and survived an uptick in my illness when it brought me to my lowest.

As a sufferer of bipolar brain disease, I know that I have the excuse to be completely self absorbed because that is how I measure my "brain sugar" and I sure do like it sweet.
I've established detente with myself.

That's what I'm here to talk about. Me, this genetic albatross I've been given and my prevails and entrails on the road, to late to swerve and miss.

Now back to my regularly scheduled obsessing.


(remotely)

Alone does not mean lonely.

This little tidbit of wisdom took me 20 years to digest. I finally get it. Being alone doesn't make you lonely. Simple. To the point.

Having a dog helps. With Gus, I'm pretty ok. With the kid here I'm even better.

I think that I associate lonely with not having a man around. I've been taking the focus off my needs by focusing on theirs. Having a picker that chooses selfish guys the last two go arounds, really made me feel less lonely.

I'm going into this self reflective mumbojumbo, but really. That solitude isn't a bad thing. I will admit, I don't know quite what to do with myself, but I'm sure life will step in and show me.

That being said, saw the Hobbit last night, fabulous. Gus didn't tump the trash over, and I had a lovely dinner. I've got to make a couple car loads over and back and forth, but that's like a bandaid. Quick sting after the rip. then it's puttering about finding a place for something that will them move about 6 times, if my habits are noted. I'm eagerly awaiting the delivery of my furniture, and then the final removal of my things from another man's house.

I came up with a list of will nots.

I will not live with another man. Suspect that one is going to stick around for a good while. Not that I am commitment phobic. I'm terminally monogamous, and a lover of love. But the idea of just having a gentleman caller who has his own p,ace, and does what he wants until we both want to see one another, is sounding like my future.

My very good friend once said... You know I have a friend, and she's had a boyfriend for 40 years. They have the best relationship.

I was on the phone with a lovely German lady who's husband is only home on the weekends. She's 4 hours away from him. She sounded happy.

I'm content right now. It's like this new pair of shoes, I feel like I'm breaking that emotion in. Like I tell myself out loud, yes, in the frozen pizza aisle, in the Walmart, in the car, in between fist fills of popcorn at the movie, I'm happy.

I think the key for super h is to verify that what h wants isn't the bucket someone else is fishing in, or the program du jour to solve all problems, or an obligation of fulfilling someone else expectation brings happiness. I wrote in journals 4 years old, all the same symptoms of unhappiness, the doubt, and the uncertainty that I've been living these past years.

My drum is fine. I got my own beat. Now the courage to bang on these puppies, and throw my head back and laugh.

I'm better on this path, I knew it all along, I just had to find the guts to stick to it.

And here's Gus, who is the great zen master of contentment.

Over, but not out!

Super h

Once again...onward

I have fought the good fight. I have seen clearly.

I will be the maker of my own happiness.
I am in active pursuit of happiness.

“I swear by my life and my love of it that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.” 
― Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

Life. Is. Waiting.

“Guilt is a rope that wears thin.”
― Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

I spent 9 months working toward a goal that wasn't for me. I am proud of the journey, of the growth. I am most excited about having my home again. Not just for sleep, but for LIVING.

In a year, I will be a single woman again. A single mom. Focused on making and learning what I like. Not having to cater to anyone, to drive my car, to be able to recharge my batteries in a silent spot. 

One word... FABULOUS.

With all my love, watch for Super H.

xo

rush....rush...

Its not just a Paula Abdul song these days. I seriously have been so busy -  I'm stressed about not doing the things that make me - well - me.

I knit
I embroider
I kvetch (ok, that one I am all caught up on)
I geek out
I spin wildly like a dervish
I'm a control freek.

Some events have transpired...

• I lost Mokey Moo. Without getting into it - and therefore causing me ill feelings...I am still pretty upset. Gus and I are back to a party of 2.
• I have gained a bit of weight.
• Seriously you know I am freaking out about this if you know me. I'm at least 10 over my comfort weight. On a midget like me...that's a lot.
• I am working to get back to my raw diet
• I'm having a hard time - my legendary self control has diminished.
• where the fuck did it go?
• get back here!
• I'm doing better with about 70% raw
• I WANT TO BE 90% raw by September.
• DAMN YOU POTATO CHIPS
• I have a bunion
• while its not terribly disfiguring, it's a real pain in the foot.
• Gus keeps stepping on it - how he can walk sideways between my legs and hit it - I have no idea - he needs to go off and join Cirque Du Solais- and make me some damn money with that talent.
• Flip flops are the new black flats/converse
• It's my driving foot
• I am scared to take sick leave...how can they possibly survive without me? 
• I'm getting surgery next Monday 7/30/12
• I don't like being put under
• I am a wimpy pain girl
• I HATE narcotics...I will literally scratch myself so bad, I put socks on my hands at night 
• I am no longer the wino I once was.
• Some (like me, most days) may think that is a good thing, but giving up something that I love so much and dealing with my reservations, has not been easy.
• It's been so many blah blah blah's since my last glass
• I'm accepting of it, but it doesn't mean I like it/or used to it
• I saw yesterday they changed the name of my favorite store to TOTAL WINE.
• I would have normally been like YEAH~! 
• I was like oooh - cupcakes (cakes plus is next door)
• I gave up SMOKING CIGARETTES - COMPLETELY
• It goes along with the good/bad thing. It's mostly good...
• first - nicotrol inhalers (YUCK)
• second - electronic cigarette
• I also got another lovely lady to give up the smokes with the ecig - I feel like I saved her life along with mine!!
• now: almost down to nothing
• My teenager is acting like a complete, well, teenager
• she's at camp
• I have the plague
• I am a complete moron
• I am embarrassing
• I have no idea how this happened...I am a cool mo-fo.
• I probably will meet her "boyfriend du jour" when she comes home
• I hope not

So that's what is up in my world.

Going to try to document my bunionectomy in photos...

If I can tear myself away from the Kristen Stewart Cheating Scandal and the Jackson Family Feud.

Kiss, Kiss.

Rush...Rush...

Random happiness

Happy life in pictures

My boys

67 degrees from home

I'm actively doing it. Moving cable tv, clothes, acclimating dogs, spending nights in my country house. It's familiar and alien all at once.

Yesterday I sat on the ground and looked for 4leaf clovers with my dogs. It was bliss. I got to finally see all the stars again. Out in Boring, on a colder clear night you can see a hint of the milky way. The first night when we were dating, at the house, I looked up, and went oooo, stars.

A house isn't a home without the people. M says that without me and lil
it didn't feel so much like home.

I've spent two weeks here. In Super H time that equates to a month and a half.

I am coming out of a haze. I'm not the same, but not different either. It's like I merged with young and in between.


I see my life as mine, not the stone I'm standing on until I jump to the next. I am turning this into a permanent place of living.

Plan B? Schman B.

Super H has a super life. Just gotta break it back in.

Lesson: I'm still loved as much even when there is a disagreement.

But... As always. As peewee would say

I'm a rebel Dotty, a loner.