Having a dog helps. With Gus, I'm pretty ok. With the kid here I'm even better.
I think that I associate lonely with not having a man around. I've been taking the focus off my needs by focusing on theirs. Having a picker that chooses selfish guys the last two go arounds, really made me feel less lonely.
I'm going into this self reflective mumbojumbo, but really. That solitude isn't a bad thing. I will admit, I don't know quite what to do with myself, but I'm sure life will step in and show me.
That being said, saw the Hobbit last night, fabulous. Gus didn't tump the trash over, and I had a lovely dinner. I've got to make a couple car loads over and back and forth, but that's like a bandaid. Quick sting after the rip. then it's puttering about finding a place for something that will them move about 6 times, if my habits are noted. I'm eagerly awaiting the delivery of my furniture, and then the final removal of my things from another man's house.
I came up with a list of will nots.
I will not live with another man. Suspect that one is going to stick around for a good while. Not that I am commitment phobic. I'm terminally monogamous, and a lover of love. But the idea of just having a gentleman caller who has his own p,ace, and does what he wants until we both want to see one another, is sounding like my future.
My very good friend once said... You know I have a friend, and she's had a boyfriend for 40 years. They have the best relationship.
I was on the phone with a lovely German lady who's husband is only home on the weekends. She's 4 hours away from him. She sounded happy.
I'm content right now. It's like this new pair of shoes, I feel like I'm breaking that emotion in. Like I tell myself out loud, yes, in the frozen pizza aisle, in the Walmart, in the car, in between fist fills of popcorn at the movie, I'm happy.
I think the key for super h is to verify that what h wants isn't the bucket someone else is fishing in, or the program du jour to solve all problems, or an obligation of fulfilling someone else expectation brings happiness. I wrote in journals 4 years old, all the same symptoms of unhappiness, the doubt, and the uncertainty that I've been living these past years.
My drum is fine. I got my own beat. Now the courage to bang on these puppies, and throw my head back and laugh.
I'm better on this path, I knew it all along, I just had to find the guts to stick to it.
And here's Gus, who is the great zen master of contentment.
Over, but not out!
Super h
