Alone does not mean lonely.

This little tidbit of wisdom took me 20 years to digest. I finally get it. Being alone doesn't make you lonely. Simple. To the point.

Having a dog helps. With Gus, I'm pretty ok. With the kid here I'm even better.

I think that I associate lonely with not having a man around. I've been taking the focus off my needs by focusing on theirs. Having a picker that chooses selfish guys the last two go arounds, really made me feel less lonely.

I'm going into this self reflective mumbojumbo, but really. That solitude isn't a bad thing. I will admit, I don't know quite what to do with myself, but I'm sure life will step in and show me.

That being said, saw the Hobbit last night, fabulous. Gus didn't tump the trash over, and I had a lovely dinner. I've got to make a couple car loads over and back and forth, but that's like a bandaid. Quick sting after the rip. then it's puttering about finding a place for something that will them move about 6 times, if my habits are noted. I'm eagerly awaiting the delivery of my furniture, and then the final removal of my things from another man's house.

I came up with a list of will nots.

I will not live with another man. Suspect that one is going to stick around for a good while. Not that I am commitment phobic. I'm terminally monogamous, and a lover of love. But the idea of just having a gentleman caller who has his own p,ace, and does what he wants until we both want to see one another, is sounding like my future.

My very good friend once said... You know I have a friend, and she's had a boyfriend for 40 years. They have the best relationship.

I was on the phone with a lovely German lady who's husband is only home on the weekends. She's 4 hours away from him. She sounded happy.

I'm content right now. It's like this new pair of shoes, I feel like I'm breaking that emotion in. Like I tell myself out loud, yes, in the frozen pizza aisle, in the Walmart, in the car, in between fist fills of popcorn at the movie, I'm happy.

I think the key for super h is to verify that what h wants isn't the bucket someone else is fishing in, or the program du jour to solve all problems, or an obligation of fulfilling someone else expectation brings happiness. I wrote in journals 4 years old, all the same symptoms of unhappiness, the doubt, and the uncertainty that I've been living these past years.

My drum is fine. I got my own beat. Now the courage to bang on these puppies, and throw my head back and laugh.

I'm better on this path, I knew it all along, I just had to find the guts to stick to it.

And here's Gus, who is the great zen master of contentment.

Over, but not out!

Super h

Once again...onward

I have fought the good fight. I have seen clearly.

I will be the maker of my own happiness.
I am in active pursuit of happiness.

“I swear by my life and my love of it that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.” 
― Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

Life. Is. Waiting.

“Guilt is a rope that wears thin.”
― Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

I spent 9 months working toward a goal that wasn't for me. I am proud of the journey, of the growth. I am most excited about having my home again. Not just for sleep, but for LIVING.

In a year, I will be a single woman again. A single mom. Focused on making and learning what I like. Not having to cater to anyone, to drive my car, to be able to recharge my batteries in a silent spot. 

One word... FABULOUS.

With all my love, watch for Super H.

xo

rush....rush...

Its not just a Paula Abdul song these days. I seriously have been so busy -  I'm stressed about not doing the things that make me - well - me.

I knit
I embroider
I kvetch (ok, that one I am all caught up on)
I geek out
I spin wildly like a dervish
I'm a control freek.

Some events have transpired...

• I lost Mokey Moo. Without getting into it - and therefore causing me ill feelings...I am still pretty upset. Gus and I are back to a party of 2.
• I have gained a bit of weight.
• Seriously you know I am freaking out about this if you know me. I'm at least 10 over my comfort weight. On a midget like me...that's a lot.
• I am working to get back to my raw diet
• I'm having a hard time - my legendary self control has diminished.
• where the fuck did it go?
• get back here!
• I'm doing better with about 70% raw
• I WANT TO BE 90% raw by September.
• DAMN YOU POTATO CHIPS
• I have a bunion
• while its not terribly disfiguring, it's a real pain in the foot.
• Gus keeps stepping on it - how he can walk sideways between my legs and hit it - I have no idea - he needs to go off and join Cirque Du Solais- and make me some damn money with that talent.
• Flip flops are the new black flats/converse
• It's my driving foot
• I am scared to take sick leave...how can they possibly survive without me? 
• I'm getting surgery next Monday 7/30/12
• I don't like being put under
• I am a wimpy pain girl
• I HATE narcotics...I will literally scratch myself so bad, I put socks on my hands at night 
• I am no longer the wino I once was.
• Some (like me, most days) may think that is a good thing, but giving up something that I love so much and dealing with my reservations, has not been easy.
• It's been so many blah blah blah's since my last glass
• I'm accepting of it, but it doesn't mean I like it/or used to it
• I saw yesterday they changed the name of my favorite store to TOTAL WINE.
• I would have normally been like YEAH~! 
• I was like oooh - cupcakes (cakes plus is next door)
• I gave up SMOKING CIGARETTES - COMPLETELY
• It goes along with the good/bad thing. It's mostly good...
• first - nicotrol inhalers (YUCK)
• second - electronic cigarette
• I also got another lovely lady to give up the smokes with the ecig - I feel like I saved her life along with mine!!
• now: almost down to nothing
• My teenager is acting like a complete, well, teenager
• she's at camp
• I have the plague
• I am a complete moron
• I am embarrassing
• I have no idea how this happened...I am a cool mo-fo.
• I probably will meet her "boyfriend du jour" when she comes home
• I hope not

So that's what is up in my world.

Going to try to document my bunionectomy in photos...

If I can tear myself away from the Kristen Stewart Cheating Scandal and the Jackson Family Feud.

Kiss, Kiss.

Rush...Rush...

Random happiness

Happy life in pictures

My boys

67 degrees from home

I'm actively doing it. Moving cable tv, clothes, acclimating dogs, spending nights in my country house. It's familiar and alien all at once.

Yesterday I sat on the ground and looked for 4leaf clovers with my dogs. It was bliss. I got to finally see all the stars again. Out in Boring, on a colder clear night you can see a hint of the milky way. The first night when we were dating, at the house, I looked up, and went oooo, stars.

A house isn't a home without the people. M says that without me and lil
it didn't feel so much like home.

I've spent two weeks here. In Super H time that equates to a month and a half.

I am coming out of a haze. I'm not the same, but not different either. It's like I merged with young and in between.


I see my life as mine, not the stone I'm standing on until I jump to the next. I am turning this into a permanent place of living.

Plan B? Schman B.

Super H has a super life. Just gotta break it back in.

Lesson: I'm still loved as much even when there is a disagreement.

But... As always. As peewee would say

I'm a rebel Dotty, a loner.

Violets

Reason # 1247 & 1248

Why I am coming home.

Springing from a break

Okay so this is the first weekend I've spent with M since we separated. Between meetings and therapy, we did all the tres normal things that we did in our live in time with our marriage. It's not weird to think of the we, I mean Lil's dad told M thank you for giving Lil' family and being so great to her. Looking at him as a partner and not a foe, is a shift. So far, we doin so good. I'm spending spring break from Lil' during the springtime in my old house. She's having fun with her dad! We, he and me, are learning how to coexist again, only better. End of the school year is coming... Funny how having your things about make it feel more homey. I got my doggies. but I really want my huge tv! Haha. Oh! And we worked out together...I ran 3k on the treadmill and did medicine ball arms. I loved it. Planning on yoga tomorrow. And we are taking a class together on Tuesday. It's something we never did before. It made me happy. I've got 11 days. It's easier with him here. Travel is going to be a challenge. That's 2 wrapped in one. Sometimes. I have to think allergy allergy. Feelin pretty positive.

Ode to Gus...

DOGS DOGS DOGS...

Makeouts

Mirror Mirror on the wall, who do my baby dogs love most of all?
its all me, all the time.

oooooo... smoooooches

I want to talk about Gussie today.
Gus is pure pug - Malto in Parvo (a lot of dog in a small package)
He is wicked smart, but incredibly stubborn.

Awesome little man.
He is a much better behaved dog than Mooey, but I have had Gus for 3+ years...and there were long stretches of time when he was on the Worst Behaved Family Member List.

Me, Gus& Moo

Adopting Moo... I'll get to it... later later later
This is GUS TIME.

What an adventure my life has become just by being Gussie's mamma.
M told me that if I wanted a DOG, then I should/have to adopt one.
 (When I capitalize=it was one of THE issues)
I wanted a dog for the last 7 years. I was getting a GD DOG.

First, it is not easy to adopt. Going to a rescue group and going through the adoption is like getting a Top Secret clearance. It's not like going to the shelter and finding a dog. Rescue fosters feel passionate about the welfare of the dogs, choose the family the dog goes to, and educates the new family to the dog. It has to be a joint effort...

And rightfully so, a rescue dog is more rehabilitated to a degree by being in a house, not in a cage and socializing with people.  PLUS he was in a pure bred rescue.  Gus was listed for like 3 days...and I had already passed DAS INTERVIEW. We drove 90 minutes away, and immediately picked him up. I took him on my lap and never did we look back. Well, he had fleas, a terrible scratch, newly neutered, and oh...so skinny.

Look at this robust boy!

I forgot how small he was...look at him. this was immediately after  I got him (9 mos)

 He has always been a lovie. But what a difference...

Rescuing dogs is something that I feel passionate about. Gus was a rescue...and I understand why someone would be frustrated, and if  I am not the "pack leader" at all times, he will slack off.
Frankly (Tom, Dick and Harry for that matter), he's not much better than my teen.
Give an inch of leash, and you get dragged down the damn street.

Adopting comes with all kinds of issues that you didn't cause. Gus is terrified of brooms, mops, swiffers, dusters, and rolled up anything. Basically if you can take a swing at him extended...he still cowers away. I got him at 9 months!! He chased anything with wheels- cars, bikes, motorcycles, little tykes wagons...he pooped on the floor, he screamed when I cut his nails, he was exasperating.

M hated him for a long time because like with anything that is a project- The JUGGERNAUT takes hold, and will not stop until success is achieved.


I ACHIEVE. 

Our couple cuddletime for at least a year was interrupted by me saying all the time in a stern voice "puppy cage, Gus. I SAID PUPPY CAGE!!"
 (btw, since it sounds like a cruel punishment - that is what we call his bed. Ox, our lab mix was raised with that, and for the sake of sameness...puppy cage it is.

clever M. so original.

Puppy cage is Hey DOG you are annoying someone, or you are licking something so that I notice it and get grossed out...or peee-yooooo! get down disGUSting

They still aren't besties, but recently there has been a shift, so they share me and M gets priority seating and the right to invoke puppy cage.

This never ceases to amaze me

GUS (Gustopher Lee)

Mooey has a bone and Gus is birddogging him with an focused intensity so intent you expect the slow eater Moo to burst into flames... (like burning ants with a magnifying glass, yeah...I said it. Fuck those ants.

BTW, if you aren't the Dalai Lama - I don't care what you think  - so there...) and if you walk away for a hot second, he's on that like a hobo on a hot dog.

So aside from coming with scars, terrible habits, and being a baby, he's the best dog in the whole world, because I made him that way.

I have admitted it. it dawned on me...

I've become one of those people - A DOG PERSON
I love my boys...ooo lovies!


He spins in circles...its really awesome.
Spin Cycle...


Typical Day for the GusMan...


Come on Gussie...time to get up.
(peel back the covers) (so so so cuddly cute when sleepy.)
[Cover with kisses on his nose, pull back so the sneeze doesn't hit you full in the face.
Nothing like dog snot to make you jump back in the shower.
Yeah, its like a fine mist of snot.]


Lets go outside? (tinkle tinkle/poopoo)
Yay for doing your business - how about...Chicken? CHI-KEN?? 


[that nasty chicken jerky - tiny piece because poop outside deserves reward and lots of high pitch praise - I treat every Poop like the first time...what the hell is wrong with me? my neighbors probably are going to turn me into that TV show - My Strange Obsession - crazy woman with that poor dog]


What time is it?
Breakfast? (700am)
Wait... [he lays down - WATCHING that dish.- see below]
Go Ahead. nomnomnom
Pet/kiss/lick lick lick
Cry at the upstairs window/mudroom as I drive away.
[Actually this pretty much sums up his day:  add sleep, snore, sneeze, lick paw, chew on my underpants and possibly a baby squeaker, repeat]


Bark at the door when the keys jingle/alarm goes off!
Pet/kiss/lick lick lick


Water? Fresh! Water!! [why do they get so amped? Maybe its the coldness, or maybe its the Brita filtering]
Second Breakfast?? (630pm)
Bonesy Bone (dingo/rawhide) OR Do you want a COOKIE??!! (something crunchy)


Lets go to bed.
Snore, snort, sigh. [nite nite].

Bragging rights...
He knows like at least 50-60 words. No joke.
He knows to do his business when I say, right there or -poop under the tree. HE DOES!

His new trick is Tummies. he rolls over and lets you see/rub his tummies.
But my favorite- is "Excuse me, ladies first."
He will turn away from the door and stand behind me and wait

We are working on fetching and then bringing the "baby" back, with leave it.
60% there.

Gus is a devoted Ravens fan. He's manly.

Finally in closing, this year has been a real bitch. I lost one of the most important people in my life, (and various other horrible/hurty things that I will eventually probably bitch about later)

I have to say, there is nothing like a dog to watch over you if/when/while you process the hurty things.
Lots of mistakes were made, but through it all, when Lil' was gone, and I didn't have a reason to get out of bed, he got me up and going.

He is small, but he's sturdy, and I'm so lucky to have the privilege to be with him.

Rescues are a game of chance.... man did I score. Everyone loves Gus, but most of all in the entire world...Gus loves me mostest.

I love you too, Gussie.

Repinning, Just Keep Repinning...

G-d I've been separated for 6 months.
Wow. Hello insomnia, my dear companion.

[By the way it's not stress, sorrow or anything other than fucking Pinterest that's keeping my ass up. •••••••>
tweeking out pinning this and pinning that. I also believe that folgers put caff in the decaf, bastards. I'm thinking class action. Ha.

Random: at 37-still learning life could get gahfucked if you allow it to be or fall into a rut of complacency and non communication. It also isn't called "free spirited" to leave a marriage at 37, it's kinda wack-a-doo. This late 30s crisis... Lucky me, I happened to marry M who is relentless in his belief in our marriage and family. He loves me enough for 3 lifetimes. How do I keep going from 0-eleventymillion? I got more cycles than a kenmore.

I'm just goin on in no partic direction...

**PS I'm still obsessing on the Han Solo carbonite iPhone case. $17.99!!!! Etsy? You Betsy.**

Yield, move or be run down

To whomever I know is happening upon my blog

I have a place to journal and to express my thoughts in an unlimited manner. I mean profanity, honesty, opinions, and whatever nonsense that comes out of my skull.

Oh and maybe, just maybe some knitting.

I don't care if you like it, I don't care if you agree with it. Yes, I know the Internet is public. Yes, I know my name is associated with these posts.


This may not be the H you know or you thought you knew, and those of you who know the one that others didn't know, rest assured that I will, on occasion, protect names of the guilty parties in the blatherings of this life...

This is my juggernaut, my life, the fang and all.

Being an immovable force going, going...

I'm learning to temper the speed and find a way to throw on the brakes. On the way I plan to cackle, be irreverent, and do what the fuck I want. Stories will be told, sorrows shared, and possibly, offenses taken.

Disclaimer complete. All aboard.

Welcome, please fasten your seatbelts, and put your seat and tray in the upright location.